a year through the ash and rubble

a few days ago i woke up in the city of chicago and for some strange reason i was up way before my 6am alarm went off. aron and brianne were still sleeping so i quietly packed my gear and softly stepped out into the calm and breezy morning. it wouldve been a nice walk to the blue line but i hopped on an uber instead. halfway to o'hare was when it dawned on me that it was august 1st.

a year ago i was in a similar situation. it was morning and i was headed to the airport but instead of walking into a calm breeze, i entered the busy and sweltering morning of singapore.
i was a complete and utter mess. 
id just broken things off with my gf in the worst imaginable way and as i walked through the swarm of singaporeans, i began to feel invisible and insignificant; kind of like michael j. fox's character in back to the future, you know, the part where he almost doesnt get his parents to kiss?

august 1st, 2014 mustve been the longest and most agonizing day of my life. longest because i was in both changi and hong kong airports for almost 24 hours waiting for the freaky weather to pass and to make things worse, when i actually landed in lax it was morning and august 1st had barely begun! it was the most agonizing because i ended things with someone who i loved and admired, the girl i honestly thought i was going to marry and have my bi-racial babies with.

i ultimately chose my career over amerie and even though she roams the halls of my heart, i knew i had to take care of myself first. during these past 12 months ive given myself completely to my craft, which has challenged me in ways i never imagined it would. i actually have to be responsible now and more than that im actually accountable but this sound mixing gig hasnt been too shabby and i love it. ive also become closer with my family and ive accepted certain people that i never wouldve imagined id ever talk to. most importantly though my walk with Christ has been strengthened and my resolve stronger and even though this last year had its fill of pain, the pain had its purpose. the pain snapped me out of cruise control and forced me grow to become a better son, brother, friend, lover, and follower. 

my twenties were such a blast. ive been so blessed by the friends i made, the ones i lost, the countries and faces ive seen and all the beauty of the in-between.

my twenties

i didn't lose my phone 2 nights ago so ill take it that my 30th went well although my body would like to tell a different story. a few days ago I got hit by denge again, which brings the count to two, possibly three cases in the past year. i wrote about the agony of the first encounter last july; it knocked me out for a whole week. this time it had me out for 2 days. 

i never imagined spending my 30th in havana but here i am. it didn't dawn on me till a few days later after i agreed to do this doc that i'd be spending it away from family and friends. for the past 3 years i've had to make these kind of decisions and it seems to be pointing to a scary realization that i may not be sticking around for too long. who knows

these are the kind of thoughts you get when you're glued to a bed and toilet.

by thee grace of God i was given control of my bowels again and was able to get up and not feel like my bones and neck were about to snap. i took a morning stroll through havana and was finally able to go online and not check facebook (5 months facebook clean). 

after 2 week's worth of emails, instagram updates, and whatsapp convos i made my way back to the casa particular.

later in the evening we were invited to an electronic dj set not far from our casa. a few hours later it really got going and we somehow made our way up the roof. as i looked at the crowd i began to think about my twenties and the half-hour or so that were left.

melancholy mixed with havana club began to creep. i thought about my little sister priscilla who just graduated high school, my pops probably watering the grass and yelling at the dog, i thought about amerie's beautiful smile, i thought about all of the great friendships i've made in the past decade and also the ones that don't exist anymore. all the toil, sacrifice, and the pain 

a quick jab to the side and suddenly i was back. vanesa, my director/producer wrapped her arms around me just like my sisters would and yelled "you're 30!" 

then came chris and albert, my brothers for the past 3 weeks, the cuban skating crew, and others ive met along my cuban experience. 

in short the only thing i can truly say is that the only reason why i'm still alive and healthy, and have the ability to do and be where i'm at is by the grace of God. He's been the one thing that's been constant in my life. 

i'm excited to see what my thirties have in store, a new passport perhaps? 

the 3-month prognosis: nobody is perfect

it's been three months since the blitzkrieg began and now that all the bombs have dropped, i stand and marvel at where i'm at. instead of ash and plumes of smoke, a calm breeze constantly calms and stirrs my soul. some days are tougher than others but with each passing 24, the heartache lessens.

with a deep sigh i think about what i lost and with another i think about how much i gained:
my family
my friends
my health
and most importantly my eternal Hope.

as a kid/adolescent, mercy and grace were words and concepts that i constantly heard; i thought i'd understood and practiced them but it wasn't until recently that i truly experienced the gravity of what those words truly meant.

looking at this past february, all i would see was pain and misery. going a bit deeper though, past the pain and misery, i am now see growth and joy. these are the intangible things that religion will never be able to give anyone and i will be eternally grateful that my God intervened and took drastic measures to get me back.

bittersweet nostalgia is what i'm left with now.
they are helpful reminders that apart from God i am a wretched and broken man.

and so, with this so hopefully ends the string of emo posts i've written. much love and God bless :)

strangers through blood - part 2

he was late, just like i was hahaa. 

my sister calmed my nerves but as soon as he walked through that door the weight immediately dropped from my throat. 

its been a week since we met and what can i say, God is too good. i don't think i would've ever given my biological father the peace of knowing me if it wasn't for the crazy and the unfathomable work of His spirit. life gets messy and from what i learned, Javier has not had an easy road. i guess i kind of look like him and although i really never took interest in knowing where the other half my dna comes from, i'll admit that it felt good seeing him. 

i still haven't worked up the courage to tell my parents, especially the most important man in my life, the man who stepped up and raised 2 kids from another marriage, my true father Juan. 

2015 has been interesting and i feel like this is just the beginning. i'm far from perfect but everything that shines must first be put through the fire and i welcome it. 

alright, here's to the weekend. 

go clippers!

go manny pacquiao!

strangers through blood - part 1

i woke up this morning with something heavy on my chest. i finally got up, thanked the Lord for the oxygen in my lungs, fired up pandora and began to get my room in order. 2 hours later, halfway through my shave the feeling finally sunk-in.

i'm going to meet my biological father today.  

i was 5 since the last time he saw my face; alot has changed. i don't think i had a beard back then, i also didn't have the 2 gashes that hang on my eyebrows or the scars left from the acne i would later get in my teens. the scar on my left palm is still there though but no longer covers my whole hand. from what my mom tells me i'm also not as quiet and timid as i used to be so indeed alot has changed.

these past 8 months have been somewhat of a spiritual awakening for me. i've ventured into the dark corners of my soul, places that i did not want to revisit. along the way God has revealed so much of who He is and who i am; how much i lack. perspective changes everything and experience along with pain has brought me to my knees and back to the cross. change is inevitable and before the foundations of this planet were settled God knew me, my foolish heart, how prone i'd be to wander, and how utterly desperate i'd be for his grace and forgiveness

and so, he who has been forgiven much in turn must also forgive much as well, which brings me here, not just at this moment inside this coffee bean all shaky hands awaiting to meet this stranger who made me, but prepping myself for what's ahead and mending the bridges i've burned.

ok, i better go now. he's been waiting over 20 years...wouldn't want to keep him waiting 

my protectors my shields my swords

i keep telling myself this nightmare is almost done but the sweaty cold rush bolting me out of the bed hasn't happened yet.
i don't get it, it was just a few days ago that we reclined in our lazy boys as we enjoyed our bohemias and went on with our day. i was a lonely kid with no brothers and so i slowly began to build a vault.

you along a close other few helped fill the void.
you were my protectors
my shields my swords.
this freight train was never in my sight but foolishly i hung by the tracks and even though the rails rattled and the sirens howled my trust remained.

my protectors    my shields    my swords

can't sleep

an exfixiating effect slowly creeps in my sleep when anger confusion clouds rest in my mind. in the midst of this spell that rages on in my mind i drown and burn at the same time. what is it that brings me to the same filthy tracks and how long will this train keep passing me by. well i spoke kinda soon, the gloom's turned into noon and the friendship is lost for all time